Monday, May 7, 2012

an alliterative Monday Mailbag!

The sun is shining through my window, licking my face with the warmth of a friendly dog. Just without all the spit and dog breath. Birds are singing. I can’t hear them over the dryer spinning away in the room next to me, but I can feel them. They’re out there, laying eggs and building nests. And, of course, singing a sweet song. Probably about six pence and a pocketful of rye. I’m so alive. It must be Monday. Who doesn’t love Mondays? I know I do, especially when it means the first magnificent May Monday Mailbag. How alliterative and wonderful!

Today, on the mailbag, we’re going to discuss something I feel very passionately about: me. Look, that’s not bad, and it doesn’t make me egotistical. I heard someone once say that it’s the greatest love of all. Okay? So if this mailbag fails, or if it succeeds at least it’ll be what I believe. Here it is, friends. Your…Monday Mailbag!

Hey there, Davey, if you had a to watch one movie on a loop forever until you died, and I mean forever, like it would be on in your home and there would be a screen playing it in your car and it would follow you to work, and everything, that kind of forever is what I’m talkin’ about, if you had to watch that movie, what would it be?
Whitney Houston, TX

Well, Whitney, my babbling buddy, I feel like if I were to refuse you an answer, then in some small way, I would be taking away a piece of your dignity. And I just can’t take away your dignity. So…uh…I’m gonna…uh…answer you.

Sorry, that was awkward there. I don’t know what happened.

Doesn’t matter, what matters is the question. It’s all about the question. What movie would I play on a loop forever? And by forever Whitney means…oh never mind. You get it. Interesting. Interesting. What movie would I pick?

My brain is running complex equations right now to come to the right answer. Right answer? You might be asking. How can there be a right answer when it comes to opinion? Everything has a right answer. I just loaded up some information into a complex logarithm, and set my brain to autopilot…oh, here it comes.

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Nice choice, brain. Unfortunately, that’s all the answer I get. No explanation to be had, but I feel like I know my brain pretty well, so I’ll take a stab at it. Whoa, calm down brain. I meant a stab at the explanation, not at you.

First, I think it probably has to do with the length. I mean if you’re gonna watch the same movie over and over again, there’s a good chance you’re gonna be fading in an out of focus. The longer the movie, the better the chance you have to fade back in a moment you missed the first 234,239,021 you watched it. Ya know?

After keying in on the time element, I think my brain said to itself, in mathematical firings of the neurons of course, that it better find a movie I like. Good work again, oh CPU of Dave, I do indeed like me some Return of the King.

The final major factor I feel that was taken into account had to be beauty. I mean, I can’t help but watch the movie and feel like I got kind of a bad deal. Earth? Forget that. I want Middle-earth. I want to roll around on a thatch roof in the shire. I want to climb the marble steps of Minas Tirith. I mean it’s all so beautiful. So much so, that even when it’s ugly it’s pretty. I mean, orcs? Gross. But so gross that I almost wanna grab one and give it a big wet kiss on the cheek. Anyone else? Hm, maybe it’s just me.

There were probably other factors that went into the selection. Obviously it had to be a movie with a wizard. It’s a given that the movie had to involve some crazy steward eating little tomatoes with seeds bursting from his mouth with every bite. But those first three were the big ones.

Whitney, you’ve just been Monday Mailbag!ed.

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