Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Olympic-sized mail

Wait a second…so, you’re saying I have a blog? Huh, who knew? Now that I think about it though, it sounds familiar. Like a distant echo of faraway laughter. A happy memory that tickles your funny bone, in a cloudy, mottled sort of way. Okay, let’s be real here, because if I’m not real then I’m, well, imaginary, and I feel like that would have really odd and far-reaching consequences for my life and sanity. If any of that even matters when you’re imaginary. But seriously, mis amigos, it’s already messing with my head; just moments ago, a couple sentences ago really, I tried to write consequences like this: consecuences. I’m shaking my head. I just can’t take these head games today. On with a blog post of proportions that can only be justly described as olympical in nature.

So, did you catch the Olympics? I watched a little; they were a’ight.
Debbie Tulsa, OK

They were a’ight? Debbie, you are, in one word or less, a downer. A downer? Two words? Can’t we just count the article and the word as one? Debbie, I didn’t watch the Olympics; I lived them. For two weeks, they were the air I breathed, the very blood that coursed through my veins. The Olympics were everything to me, and I shared that with the world. Debbie, come with me on a trip down facebook-status lane. That’s right, every Olympic status from our time with London! Let’s remember those two weeks together, and you can resolve to treat Brazil a little better than you did London.

For your reading enjoyment, the statuses, have been bolded and my added commentary is not.

July 25th
In case you missed it...the Olympics started today! The US women's soccer team went down early in their opening game against France. But they stormed back for a 4-2 win. USA!!!!

July 27th
I'm ready for some opening ceremonies. Will there be a spice girls sighting?

Indeed there was, and I feel like the world is a little better place for it.

I'm goin' with ol mr bean as the best part of the opening ceremonies. Excited for the games to really get going tomorrow!

July 28th
Watching US women's soccer vs colombia. Already saw the US men's archery make it to the team finals.

The Olympics, or as I like to call it, “The Time in your Life When Competitive Archery Matters.” I guess “Olympics” has a little better ring to it.

July 31st
The US men's gymnastics team is the perfect example of why you shouldn't tell people you're a gold medal favorite. Whoops.

Ready to watch the us women play north Korea in soccer tomorrow. Here we go ladies!

I love the US women’s national soccer team. That is all.

If I played water polo, I would drown immediately.

I just watched two chicks play table tennis for fifteen minutes before I realized they were women.

True story.

August 1st
Gold looks good on those US women gymnasts!!!

One time the US was good at Olympic boxing. That time is not now.

August 2nd
Good work to ol Leyva for The US men's gymnastics. Way to get past the mess up on the pommel horse and get a medal.

Hey, I'm listening to Randy Moss be a commentator for Olympic kayaking. Who knew he was so talented?

The British are kings of boating. I wonder if they practice boating a lot because of all the rain and they're worried about floods.

There's a girl on the argentine field hockey team named Macarena. I bet she's a dancer.

Do you think everyone on the Argentine national team runs around going, “Hey, Macarena!”

I'm watching US basketball. It makes me feel sad for Nigeria.

First we had the dream team, and then we had the redeem team. What do we have in 2012 after this game with Nigeria? Cream team anyone?

I felt really clever right then.

I just saw a KFC commercial. For a limited time, with the purchase if an eight piece meal, you get a ten piece chicken bites. Perfect if you like to pair your chicken with a side of...well, you know

Pau Gasol, or maybe his twin brother, plays in the Brazilian volleyball team.

Seriously, you need to look this up. The resemblance? You may think it’s canny. I think it’s un.

August 3rd
Gabby D, way to take it home for the US and Virginia Beach, girl!

Have you ever wondered what Michael Phelps listens to before a big race? What is it that gets him so pumped up? Well, my friends, wonder no more...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEqXtkDT9uM

If you’re reading this right now, and you just skipped over that link, you have done yourself a major disturbance…ha! I meant disservice, but that was too funny. I’m leaving it.

Okay, I realize I'm going a little crazy with the olympics, but I have to say something here. I knew Carmelo Anthony had set the US Olympic team single game scoring record w/ 37 points today, but I didn't realize how quickly he did it. He only played 14 minutes in the game. That is absolutely nuts.

Alright US women on to the semis in soccer. I'm a little late on this. Couldn't see it live. Work got in the way.

Maybe they could suspend life for two weeks in the Olympics. Just a thought.

It's not that I want to get a diary or anything, I just want to get a little purple book, that smells good, where I can write the deepest secrets of my soul. Also I want it to have a tiny gold lock on it. So, nothing weird or anything.

This isn’t necessarily Olympic related. I don’t care.

Imagine you're at your high school swim meet, and you look in the lane next to you and see...world record holder Missy Franklin. Good luck, friend. Good luck.

August 4th
My favorite part of NBC's Olympic primetime coverage is seeing Bob Costas talk to us from his living room.

Did you notice that? I wanted to cut to him crouching in front of a fireplace tending the coals with a poker when he turns around and notices the camera, and he goes, “Oh, hello…” and starts into his Olympic discussion. It would have just felt more homey.

I was too lazy today, and I slept right through the American's first close basketball game of the Olympics.

If you ever see a swimmer doing arm warmups before a race and you think, "hey, I need to try that." well, they're swimmers and you're not. Believe me, it's painful.

On second thought, give it a shot. Go all out. It most likely won’t do any permanent damage.

Nice send off race for Mr. Phelps. He and Missy Franklin have been the stars of the games so far.

I didn’t realize how dominant the US has been over the years in swimming. They have way more medals than any other country. Lots of pools I guess.

August 5th
I'm watching synchronized swimming. I feel like a man.

I was gonna skip this Michael Phelps interview with Bob Costas at the start of primetime tonight, but he talked about Jason Lezak chasing down the French in Beijing. I'm always pumped up when I can see video of that race.

Is there any way the olympics can just give the gold medal to the Chinese in diving competitions and just make everyone else complete for second and third? It seems tedious to make them jump when you already know the results before the dive.

I later took this statement back.

Oscar Pistorius. That's all.

Asbel Kiprop of Kenya, runner of the 1500M has to be the first runner ever to compete on toothpicks. His legs have to be the skinniest I have ever seen.

It’s a wonder distance runners in the Olympics are even able to stand up in a medium gust of wind.

Poor Canadian vault girl. That was sad.

Jamaicans are fast.

The Hungarian dude on pommel horse was crazy good. When I see people from other countries work the pommel horse, I have to wonder if American gymnasts even practice on it. Every time they get near it, it's like the first time.

Seriously, somebody buy the American gymnastics team a pommel horse!

August 6th
I just watched my recording of the US-Canada women's soccer game. That was the CRAZIEST game ever. Let's go for gold, ladies! Hats off to Canada. They played a great game!

Have I mentioned that I love the US women’s national soccer team? I went and saw them play Canada in their sendoff game in Sandy, UT before the Olympics started. And I took my two oldest daughters to see them practice the day before. They were not impressed.

I don't think there is an event in the Olympics that NBC has deemed as primetime worthy that I hate as much as diving.

I kinda took this back later, but not really.

Why are these guys biking so slowly? It's like a race to see who can go the slowest without falling over.

Seriously, that was one of the strangest things I saw in the Olympics.

August 7th
I like listening to the little voices in the background when a Chinese person is busy on an apparatus in gymnastics.

We just won pole vaulting gold! And by just, I mean yesterday. I'm a little behind in my viewing.

Mexico headed to the gold medal game in soccer. Their second goal was awesome.

The best part of synchronized swimming is when the swimmers walk to the pool. If you haven't seen it, you should. Very dramatic.

Another must see. They should be judged solely on their walk.

Houses where two middle-aged bachelors live smell bad.

Again, not olympical in nature, but an important universal truth that should be pondered from time to time.

Holy Brazils!! Watch out for South Korea!

This was a men’s soccer status. South Korea didn’t pose much of a threat in the end.

Romulu just scored a goal for brazil, and then it looked like he immediately fell asleep during his goal celebration.

South Korea got screwed! That should be a pk

So much for the Koreans. Looks like Brazil's headed to the gold medal game w/ Mexico.


Kessy/Ross of the US just knocked off the top-seeded beach volleyball team from Brazil to get to the gold medal game. What a comeback win!!

Who's ready for an all-American women's beach volleyball final? I know I am. The women of the American Olympic team are awesome!

Good work to Aly Raisman on the balance beam. Feel bad for the Romanian chick though.

Kinda bad. Not that bad. Well, not now, but I did then. She lost out on a medal after Aly won on an overturned score.

The Australian girl won the hurdles. But not the dancing Australian, just the Australian.

In fact, the dancing Australian hurdler wasn’t in the Olympics.

Whoa, Aly Raisman just killed it on the floor too.

Dang, Romanian girl came back with a vengeance on the floor.

If they showed more of this kind of diving, I'd be down with the primetime coverage...

Watch this one too. It’s fun for the whole family!

August 8th
I just saw a commercial for farmersonly.com. It's a dating site for farmers, ranchers, and the like. There aren't enough words to describe that level of awesome.

If only I were a single farmer…

Dang, Batum from France is a punk! He just punched a Spanish player and then got mad when Spain got mad at him for it.

I love me some Deron Williams.

I root against the lakers with the best of em, but I love cheering for Kobe on team USA.

Watching divers get into a handstand position on the platform is better than watching the dives themselves.

It's kinda weird, but in a good way, watching May/Walsh in volleyball, and knowing if they lose, the US still wins.

After gold medaling in three straight olympics without losing a match and only ever losing one set, Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor have to be considered one of the best teams in olympic history. Maybe even the best.

Are the US women not incredible? They are. And these two are the best.

Hey, a guy from Ecuador made the 200M finals! Go Ecuador!

Good job to Dimas in the 400M hurdles. Won silver and I loved what she had to say in her interview.

Felix for gold!

Another US gold in high jump. Good haul for the ol' US of A today.

More medals! This time for the men in hurdles. So many medals-I just can't stop status-updating!

I realize this is ridiculous, but I am back. I liked when Aries Merritt was talking after his race. He gave homage to Allah and I thought that was pretty cool, but then he gave praise to God too, and I though Allah and God in the same interview? That seems kind of strange. Then I went back and listened again...homage was to Alan...Johnson, last American to win the event in the Olympics. Allah. Alan. It sounds the same when they say it fast, okay?

This one was about two minutes after the one above. I couldn’t help myself. It was just too funny. The status below was again about two minutes later. I could NOT stop.

I have a status update disease...US women have accounted for 23 of 34 American gold medals. As a father of 4 daughters, I say check out what the ladies can do!

August 9th
Canada!!! Looks like they just took the bronze in women's soccer.

My wife is Canadian. I almost feel bad that I felt the need to explain this.

US women basketball in a dogfight with Australia.

US women take down Australia. Headed to the gold medal game in basketball.

US-Japan gold medal soccer starting now. Let's go USA!

Goal! Goal! Goal!!!!! Abby Wambach!
Dave Morgan Or Carli Lloyd I guess. Goal all the same.

US just dodged a bullet. That was a hand ball.

Dang, these Japanese ladies are good.

Carli Lloyd!!!!!

Oh man. Way too much time left and back to a one goal lead.

Hope Solo, great save!

Gold!!!!!!!!! Good work US women's soccer!!!

Did I mention…oh, you know.

I meant to make snickerdoodles, but they turned out to be snicker-pancakes. Oh well. They still taste good.

They tasted okay, not good. They were shameful really.

I think Kenya means "I can run forever" in some African language.

Our women kill it in volleyball on the beach and inside.

Relay races are cool. That's all I have to say about that.

Why's everyone eat their medal? Is there some kind of chocolate candy conspiracy we don't know about?

Jamaicans are still fast.

I love the cap off of the night tonight with the golden Olympic soccer ladies!

August 10th
Durant just Scola's shot packing. Get they stuff outta here.

Me no speaky English.

Is Kevin Durant heating up?

Don't make LeBron angry.

Team USA loves the third quarter.

Thanks for playing Argentina. Have fun in the bronze medal game!

I like the dream team stuff to start the Olympic coverage tonight. Sometimes I forget how good Magic Johnson was.

I love close games! Let me rephrase, I love close games when "my" team isn't involved. Otherwise I prefer blowouts.

You wanna get some records in pole vault? Make the bar they jump over explode if the athletes touch it. I guarantee you they'll jump much higher if their lives depend on it.

I stand behind that statement 100%.

Justin Gatlin runs hard

The 5000M race, for when eleven laps just aren't enough. The point of the race is to see who can win after their stamina has been worn down. Why don't they just wear them down on the locker room and then let them just run one lap? Makes sense to me.

Yeah, Carmelita! Way to bring up the anchor leg in the world record setting 4x100 relay!

The voice at the start of an Olympic BMX race telling the riders to watch the gate sounds like a recording at the beginning of a roller coaster.

August 11th
Neymar just got rocked...no ROCKED by the Mexican goalkeeper.

Men's field hockey is so weird. Don't they know that's a woman's sport?

Brazil's in big trouble down 2-0. Looking golden for Mexico.

And the Brazilian in-fighting begins.

Brazilian goal. Too little too late.

August 12th
Let's go USA basketball. One last game.

USA vs Spain for the gold medal and the refs are winning.

Seriously, who told the refs they were up for a medal? There were more fouls called in the first half of that game than there are bad teeth in all of London.

Gettin pumped. I smell basketball gold. LeBron!!!

USA basketball gold

So long, my olympical friends. See ya in four years.
·         what are you going to do now? I'm afraid you might go through withdrawals, ha ha
·         Description: http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/276003_17832730_555559867_q.jpg
Dave Morgan Don't worry, football is coming