Monday, June 4, 2012

Foot fetishes and mailbags

Look who’s back from vacation? Okay, don’t look too hard; I was referring to myself. And when I say vacation, well, what I mean is Memorial Day. I didn’t actually go on any vacation, I just decided that as a practitioner of the postal arts, I should make like a mailman, and take the day off from the mailbag. So, like I said, look, I’m back from my Memorial Day spent in the throes of blogger slackitude.

I’m back. I’m back and it couldn’t come at a better time. My mailbag was brimming with mail. And not just any mail, but mail with a hint of international spice. Is that pancit and pan de sal I smell? Nope, it’s just a smell of some Asian islands wafting in on the back of another bit of scintillating email. This, my dear constituents, (as if you voted for me) is your…drumroll please…just imagine a drumroll in your head…MONDAY MAILBAG!!!!

If you could name each of your fingers, what names would you give them and why?
Ellie the Philippines

That’s right the Philippines. If I hadn’t hit the big time before, well my dear sirs, and madams of course, I have now. Did you know that I was born in a little San called Diego? And that after leaving my dear San Diego birthing grounds, I left for the opposite coast to live in a grand beach of the Virginia variety? Well, I did. And I heard once that Virginia Beach and San Diego, because of the good ol’ US Navy have the highest amount of Filipinos outside of the Philippines. I may have just made that up, but you can quote me anyway, because, well, I write fiction. So, if I’m lying to you, that’s okay. (side note, see over there ß where it says that’s? Well, my good ol’ grammar checker says I should change it to say that are. Gotta love the brilliance of the Microsoft Office grammar checker-ma-jigger) It’s my job. So, point is, Filipino people are cool. And they make delicious food.

Okay, on to the question. What would I name all my fingers and why? Well, that is an interesting question if ever there was one. Unfortunately, it’s a question that will remain unanswered. Look, I’m a man of mystery. It’s the truth. But I would cease to be that man if the world knew my secret finger names. And also, it would take too long. I mean, I’ve rambled on for this long without naming a single finger. If I named all ten and told you their stories…hmm, book idea?

I will name toes for you. But not all of them. Did I say toes? I meant toe. I will name toe for you. The second toe on my left foot is named Einstein. Someone once told me that if your second toe is longer than your big toe, which mine is, then you’re smart. Is that awesome or what? So, I’m naming my second big toe in honor of a good friend of mine named Bill Einstein. He’s just a cool guy. You can disregard that little bit about the length of your second toe determining your IQ. I don’t know why I even threw that in there.

Well, Bill Einstein, I hope you’re reading this. This toe’s for you! And that, friends and foot fetishists alike, is your Monday Mailbag!

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