Monday, February 27, 2012

How I feel about the impending publication of my book…

How I feel about the impending publication of my book…

This is something that I’ve been thinking about posting for the last few days. I’m at a critical point in my writing…dare I say, career? My first ever completed book is just about to hit the virtual shelves. I’m one proof copy and a bit of e-formatting away from having my work actually up for sale. I really want to be able to come back in 6 months…1 year…10 years, just to remember what it felt like. Whether I make it big, small, or not at all, I think I’ll appreciate getting back into my mind right now.

It feels like I’m standing in front of a big curtain. It’s just me. It’s dark. And there’s this curtain, but I’m not sure exactly what’s behind it. Sometimes, I get word that my proof copy is coming or a reviewer is going to have my book on their blog, and I feel like behind the curtain is a gigantic mountain. A hard one to climb, but with a glorious peak that ends with me sitting at a desk as a writer. A real writer. One who made it. And here in the real world, I smile. And excitement is all over my face.

But sometimes I’m just scared. I’ve never wanted anything so bad, professionally speaking. And I fear that the curtain will be ripped open, and someone will run up from behind and throw me over the edge of an endless pit. A never-ending pit. A reminder everyday, as I fall farther and farther from what I wanted life to be, that I never got “there.”

And sometimes, when I somehow get to place where I can be reasonable, and it isn’t often enough, but sometimes I get there and I realize what’s really behind the curtain. It’s just life. It’s waking up. It’s being with my family. It’s making a living. If it’s in books then great. If not, I’ll survive, but my whole happiness can’t rest on my writing success. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in myself. It just means that I can be at peace with the outcome as long as I don’t sit around and say, “Man, I wish I were a writer,” when I am unwilling to do the work. I’m doing the work…now let’s see what happens.

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