Monthly, uh, I mean, Monday Mailbag

So, maybe it’s time for a name change. After looking over the last couple posts on here, I may need to start calling this the Monthly Mailbag instead of the Monday Mailbag. I could go off about all the things that have kept me from posting, and there have been a lot of things, but the truth is…I’m a bit of a slacker. I am. It’s true. But isn't that what all writers are? And if not all, at least, well, some. Some must be. It can’t possibly just be me. No, I’m sticking with my original theory. We are slackers when left to our own devices. I’m sorry to other writers out there who are less prone to slackativity than I. It feels good to be lumped in a group. I like slackalacious writers to be my group rather than writers nobody’s ever heard of. I shun that group. I refuse to send in my monthly dues. Well, on to the Monthly…er…Monday Mailbag. (Pay attention; it may be a while before you hear from me again.)

My niece is looking for a good book to read. Any suggestions?

Sam Patriot, IN

Are you kidding me, Uncle Sam? I can call you Uncle, I assume. And if you don’t like it, well then quit bringing up your niece. In the name of all things American, and holding a banner gloriously spangled with generous helpings of stars, I tell you, yes I can. Yes I can! Yes I can! Uh, sorry, in the election season, I guess I got a little carried away with the whole political speechificationizing and what not. Uncle Sam, in honor of you and all the good people of Patriot, IN, and more specifically to satisfy your niece’s literary desires, I present you…a book.

Gathering. Seriously, it’s a great book. Does she like America? Done. Witches? Got ‘em. Love? What red-blooded American teen doesn't?  Okay, I guess I’m assuming she’s a teenage girl. You didn’t say that, Uncle, but let’s just say she is. Well, I feel that it is my authorly duty to stand—or sit—before you—or in front of this keyboard—and say—type—that her life will not be complete until she reads this book. But also, the book will not be complete until she reads it. Or, better explained, the book is in the polishing stages, but will be on the shelves of a little bookstore called amazon soon. And when it is, she should get it.

Until then, assuming she’s one of the few who hasn't experienced it, have her read The Boo Hag. She’s gonna want to be ready when the sequel comes out soon.

Olympic-sized mail

Wait a second…so, you’re saying I have a blog? Huh, who knew? Now that I think about it though, it sounds familiar. Like a distant echo of faraway laughter. A happy memory that tickles your funny bone, in a cloudy, mottled sort of way. Okay, let’s be real here, because if I’m not real then I’m, well, imaginary, and I feel like that would have really odd and far-reaching consequences for my life and sanity. If any of that even matters when you’re imaginary. But seriously, mis amigos, it’s already messing with my head; just moments ago, a couple sentences ago really, I tried to write consequences like this: consecuences. I’m shaking my head. I just can’t take these head games today. On with a blog post of proportions that can only be justly described as olympical in nature.

So, did you catch the Olympics? I watched a little; they were a’ight.

Debbie Tulsa, OK

They were a’ight? Debbie, you are, in one word or less, a downer. A downer? Two words? Can’t we just count the article and the word as one? Debbie, I didn’t watch the Olympics; I lived them. For two weeks, they were the air I breathed, the very blood that coursed through my veins. The Olympics were everything to me, and I shared that with the world. Debbie, come with me on a trip down facebook-status lane. That’s right, every Olympic status from our time with London! Let’s remember those two weeks together, and you can resolve to treat Brazil a little better than you did London.

For your reading enjoyment, the statuses, have been bolded and my added commentary is not.

July 25^th

In case you missed it...the Olympics started today! The US women's soccer team went down early in their opening game against France. But they stormed back for a 4-2 win. USA!!!!

July 27^th

I'm ready for some opening ceremonies. Will there be a spice girls sighting?

Indeed there was, and I feel like the world is a little better place for it.

I'm goin' with ol mr bean as the best part of the opening ceremonies. Excited for the games to really get going tomorrow!

July 28^th

Watching US women's soccer vs colombia. Already saw the US men's archery make it to the team finals.

The Olympics, or as I like to call it, “The Time in your Life When Competitive Archery Matters.” I guess “Olympics” has a little better ring to it.

July 31^st

The US men's gymnastics team is the perfect example of why you shouldn't tell people you're a gold medal favorite. Whoops.

Ready to watch the us women play north Korea in soccer tomorrow. Here we go ladies!

I love the US women’s national soccer team. That is all.

If I played water polo, I would drown immediately.

I just watched two chicks play table tennis for fifteen minutes before I realized they were women.

True story.

August 1^st

Gold looks good on those US women gymnasts!!!

One time the US was good at Olympic boxing. That time is not now.

August 2^nd

Good work to ol Leyva for The US men's gymnastics. Way to get past the mess up on the pommel horse and get a medal.

Hey, I'm listening to Randy Moss be a commentator for Olympic kayaking. Who knew he was so talented?

The British are kings of boating. I wonder if they practice boating a lot because of all the rain and they're worried about floods.

There's a girl on the argentine field hockey team named Macarena. I bet she's a dancer.

Do you think everyone on the Argentine national team runs around going, “Hey, Macarena!”

I'm watching US basketball. It makes me feel sad for Nigeria.

First we had the dream team, and then we had the redeem team. What do we have in 2012 after this game with Nigeria? Cream team anyone?

I felt really clever right then.

I just saw a KFC commercial. For a limited time, with the purchase if an eight piece meal, you get a ten piece chicken bites. Perfect if you like to pair your chicken with a side of...well, you know

Pau Gasol, or maybe his twin brother, plays in the Brazilian volleyball team.

Seriously, you need to look this up. The resemblance? You may think it’s canny. I think it’s un.

August 3^rd

Gabby D, way to take it home for the US and Virginia Beach, girl!

Have you ever wondered what Michael Phelps listens to before a big race? What is it that gets him so pumped up? Well, my friends, wonder no more...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEqXtkDT9uM

If you’re reading this right now, and you just skipped over that link, you have done yourself a major disturbance…ha! I meant disservice, but that was too funny. I’m leaving it.

Okay, I realize I'm going a little crazy with the olympics, but I have to say something here. I knew Carmelo Anthony had set the US Olympic team single game scoring record w/ 37 points today, but I didn't realize how quickly he did it. He only played 14 minutes in the game. That is absolutely nuts.

Alright US women on to the semis in soccer. I'm a little late on this. Couldn't see it live. Work got in the way.

Maybe they could suspend life for two weeks in the Olympics. Just a thought.

It's not that I want to get a diary or anything, I just want to get a little purple book, that smells good, where I can write the deepest secrets of my soul. Also I want it to have a tiny gold lock on it. So, nothing weird or anything.

This isn’t necessarily Olympic related. I don’t care.

Imagine you're at your high school swim meet, and you look in the lane next to you and see...world record holder Missy Franklin. Good luck, friend. Good luck.

August 4^th

My favorite part of NBC's Olympic primetime coverage is seeing Bob Costas talk to us from his living room.

Did you notice that? I wanted to cut to him crouching in front of a fireplace tending the coals with a poker when he turns around and notices the camera, and he goes, “Oh, hello…” and starts into his Olympic discussion. It would have just felt more homey.

I was too lazy today, and I slept right through the American's first close basketball game of the Olympics.

If you ever see a swimmer doing arm warmups before a race and you think, "hey, I need to try that." well, they're swimmers and you're not. Believe me, it's painful.

On second thought, give it a shot. Go all out. It most likely won’t do any permanent damage.

Nice send off race for Mr. Phelps. He and Missy Franklin have been the stars of the games so far.

I didn’t realize how dominant the US has been over the years in swimming. They have way more medals than any other country. Lots of pools I guess.

August 5^th

I'm watching synchronized swimming. I feel like a man.

I was gonna skip this Michael Phelps interview with Bob Costas at the start of primetime tonight, but he talked about Jason Lezak chasing down the French in Beijing. I'm always pumped up when I can see video of that race.

Is there any way the olympics can just give the gold medal to the Chinese in diving competitions and just make everyone else complete for second and third? It seems tedious to make them jump when you already know the results before the dive.

I later took this statement back.

Oscar Pistorius. That's all.

Asbel Kiprop of Kenya, runner of the 1500M has to be the first runner ever to compete on toothpicks. His legs have to be the skinniest I have ever seen.

It’s a wonder distance runners in the Olympics are even able to stand up in a medium gust of wind.

Poor Canadian vault girl. That was sad.

Jamaicans are fast.

The Hungarian dude on pommel horse was crazy good. When I see people from other countries work the pommel horse, I have to wonder if American gymnasts even practice on it. Every time they get near it, it's like the first time.

Seriously, somebody buy the American gymnastics team a pommel horse!

August 6^th

I just watched my recording of the US-Canada women's soccer game. That was the CRAZIEST game ever. Let's go for gold, ladies! Hats off to Canada. They played a great game!

Have I mentioned that I love the US women’s national soccer team? I went and saw them play Canada in their sendoff game in Sandy, UT before the Olympics started. And I took my two oldest daughters to see them practice the day before. They were not impressed.

I don't think there is an event in the Olympics that NBC has deemed as primetime worthy that I hate as much as diving.

I kinda took this back later, but not really.

Why are these guys biking so slowly? It's like a race to see who can go the slowest without falling over.

Seriously, that was one of the strangest things I saw in the Olympics.

August 7th

I like listening to the little voices in the background when a Chinese person is busy on an apparatus in gymnastics.

We just won pole vaulting gold! And by just, I mean yesterday. I'm a little behind in my viewing.

Mexico headed to the gold medal game in soccer. Their second goal was awesome.

The best part of synchronized swimming is when the swimmers walk to the pool. If you haven't seen it, you should. Very dramatic.

Another must see. They should be judged solely on their walk.

Houses where two middle-aged bachelors live smell bad.

Again, not olympical in nature, but an important universal truth that should be pondered from time to time.

Holy Brazils!! Watch out for South Korea!

This was a men’s soccer status. South Korea didn’t pose much of a threat in the end.

Romulu just scored a goal for brazil, and then it looked like he immediately fell asleep during his goal celebration.

South Korea got screwed! That should be a pk

So much for the Koreans. Looks like Brazil's headed to the gold medal game w/ Mexico.

See?

Kessy/Ross of the US just knocked off the top-seeded beach volleyball team from Brazil to get to the gold medal game. What a comeback win!!

Who's ready for an all-American women's beach volleyball final? I know I am. The women of the American Olympic team are awesome!

Good work to Aly Raisman on the balance beam. Feel bad for the Romanian chick though.

Kinda bad. Not that bad. Well, not now, but I did then. She lost out on a medal after Aly won on an overturned score.

The Australian girl won the hurdles. But not the dancing Australian, just the Australian.

In fact, the dancing Australian hurdler wasn’t in the Olympics.

Whoa, Aly Raisman just killed it on the floor too.

Dang, Romanian girl came back with a vengeance on the floor.

If they showed more of this kind of diving, I'd be down with the primetime coverage...
http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/diving/highlights-german-diver-lands-on-back.html

Watch this one too. It’s fun for the whole family!

August 8th

I just saw a commercial for farmersonly.com. It's a dating site for farmers, ranchers, and the like. There aren't enough words to describe that level of awesome.

If only I were a single farmer…

Dang, Batum from France is a punk! He just punched a Spanish player and then got mad when Spain got mad at him for it.

I love me some Deron Williams.

I root against the lakers with the best of em, but I love cheering for Kobe on team USA.

Watching divers get into a handstand position on the platform is better than watching the dives themselves.

It's kinda weird, but in a good way, watching May/Walsh in volleyball, and knowing if they lose, the US still wins.

After gold medaling in three straight olympics without losing a match and only ever losing one set, Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor have to be considered one of the best teams in olympic history. Maybe even the best.

Are the US women not incredible? They are. And these two are the best.

Hey, a guy from Ecuador made the 200M finals! Go Ecuador!

Good job to Dimas in the 400M hurdles. Won silver and I loved what she had to say in her interview.

Felix for gold!

Another US gold in high jump. Good haul for the ol' US of A today.

More medals! This time for the men in hurdles. So many medals-I just can't stop status-updating!

I realize this is ridiculous, but I am back. I liked when Aries Merritt was talking after his race. He gave homage to Allah and I thought that was pretty cool, but then he gave praise to God too, and I though Allah and God in the same interview? That seems kind of strange. Then I went back and listened again...homage was to Alan...Johnson, last American to win the event in the Olympics. Allah. Alan. It sounds the same when they say it fast, okay?

This one was about two minutes after the one above. I couldn’t help myself. It was just too funny. The status below was again about two minutes later. I could NOT stop.

I have a status update disease...US women have accounted for 23 of 34 American gold medals. As a father of 4 daughters, I say check out what the ladies can do!

August 9^th

Canada!!! Looks like they just took the bronze in women's soccer.

My wife is Canadian. I almost feel bad that I felt the need to explain this.

US women basketball in a dogfight with Australia.

US women take down Australia. Headed to the gold medal game in basketball.

US-Japan gold medal soccer starting now. Let's go USA!

Goal! Goal! Goal!!!!! Abby Wambach!

Dave Morgan Or Carli Lloyd I guess. Goal all the same.

US just dodged a bullet. That was a hand ball.

Dang, these Japanese ladies are good.

Carli Lloyd!!!!!

Oh man. Way too much time left and back to a one goal lead.

Hope Solo, great save!

Gold!!!!!!!!! Good work US women's soccer!!!

Did I mention…oh, you know.

I meant to make snickerdoodles, but they turned out to be snicker-pancakes. Oh well. They still taste good.

They tasted okay, not good. They were shameful really.

I think Kenya means "I can run forever" in some African language.

Our women kill it in volleyball on the beach and inside.

Relay races are cool. That's all I have to say about that.

Why's everyone eat their medal? Is there some kind of chocolate candy conspiracy we don't know about?

Jamaicans are still fast.

I love the cap off of the night tonight with the golden Olympic soccer ladies!

August 10^th

Durant just Scola's shot packing. Get they stuff outta here.

Me no speaky English.

Is Kevin Durant heating up?

Don't make LeBron angry.

Team USA loves the third quarter.

Thanks for playing Argentina. Have fun in the bronze medal game!

I like the dream team stuff to start the Olympic coverage tonight. Sometimes I forget how good Magic Johnson was.

I love close games! Let me rephrase, I love close games when "my" team isn't involved. Otherwise I prefer blowouts.

You wanna get some records in pole vault? Make the bar they jump over explode if the athletes touch it. I guarantee you they'll jump much higher if their lives depend on it.

I stand behind that statement 100%.

Justin Gatlin runs hard

The 5000M race, for when eleven laps just aren't enough. The point of the race is to see who can win after their stamina has been worn down. Why don't they just wear them down on the locker room and then let them just run one lap? Makes sense to me.

Yeah, Carmelita! Way to bring up the anchor leg in the world record setting 4x100 relay!

The voice at the start of an Olympic BMX race telling the riders to watch the gate sounds like a recording at the beginning of a roller coaster.

August 11^th

Neymar just got rocked...no ROCKED by the Mexican goalkeeper.

Men's field hockey is so weird. Don't they know that's a woman's sport?

Brazil's in big trouble down 2-0. Looking golden for Mexico.

And the Brazilian in-fighting begins.

Brazilian goal. Too little too late.

August 12^th

Let's go USA basketball. One last game.

USA vs Spain for the gold medal and the refs are winning.

Seriously, who told the refs they were up for a medal? There were more fouls called in the first half of that game than there are bad teeth in all of London.

Gettin pumped. I smell basketball gold. LeBron!!!

USA basketball gold

So long, my olympical friends. See ya in four years.

·         what are you going to do now? I'm afraid you might go through withdrawals, ha ha

13 August at 10:55 · Like

·        

Dave Morgan Don't worry, football is coming

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you. That's a line from a song. I swear. Just wanted to acknowledge you, my under-appreciated-by-its-own-writer blog. I have been busy writing a book and all the other rigamarole of life, and by that I mean the Olympics. Yes, it's been all about the Olympics around here lately, to the detriment of you, my blogtastical friend. And this even, this heartfelt apology, is going to be short, but to an important point. There is something coming. A blog post. A blog post of Olympic proportions. Your wait for a gold medal blog post is almost over. Let the anticipation begin.

Name one thing about today that doesn't scream Monday

Welcome to Monday. What do you mean it’s not Monday? It feels like Monday. I mean, there’s a big burlap sack of yellowing envelopes sitting in front of me. It must be Monday. Oh come on. I have a past here. Right? I mean the calendar obviously isn’t my strong suit. But for the fun of it, if nothing else, for the alliteration of it all, this, my dear, patient friends, all of you out there just waiting with bated breath, this is your, yes your Monday Mailbag.

David, where have you gone? You do realize you haven’t posted in weeks, right?

Flo, Miami FL

Where have I gone? Where have I gone, Flo DiMaggio? Well, let’s see one day I was at…I mean, there was this one time when I went…I mean, I had to go and…Look, the point is, well, I haven’t been anywhere. I’ve just been here. I’m sorry I haven’t done better at keepin’ the ol’ blog rollin’ along here lately, but, ya know, life happens sometimes.

Work has been kickin’ my butt lately. Truly. I haven’t really even written in my latest book in the last couple weeks. And I was just working a little overtime at my real job up until about a half hour ago. So, there’s work, and, ya know, family, and all that other stuff. It makes it hard sometimes to keep at the whole writing thing. I love it, but I gotta keep my family moving, and the whole making a living thing gets in the way sometimes. But I’m back. I’m back, and I plan on staying around a while. I’ll keep on keepin’ on at the whole supporting the family thing, but I’ve got the future millions in my head, and I’m using those figures to push me on in the writing sphere.

I’m back, Aunt Flo. Wait, Aunt Flo? Does that mean? Ah, forget about it. Just remember, keep reading the blog. Knowing you’re there, my good Flo-bot, keeps me writing.

It's that time again...

Hey, can someone check out the calendar for me? Is it seriously Monday already? I feel like I just answered my latest email for the Monday Mailbag yesterday, but alas, here we are again. For it is Monday, and there is certainly a mailbag. There’s no denying that. So here I am, clad in gray shorts, ready to answer some mail. (You may think the color of my shorts is irrelevant; I assure you it is not.

Hey, Dave-o, any trouble with paparazzi these days?

Chuckles, Paris TX

Well, Chuckles, can I just say that your name makes me…well, never mind. Cheap thrills are great and all, but that one seems just too easy. I gotta let it slide, my friend. So, the paparazzi? I knew this question was coming eventually, and I figured it would come from somewhere glamorous. Paris? Nailed it!

The truth is, the paparazzi live for people like me. Notice I said live and not lives? Well, my good followers (all 11 of you), that little i on the end says, “Hey, buddy, this world is in Italian. And it’s plural!” So, there you go. Anyway, the paparazzi are all about authors. They love to follow around pasty, socially awkward people to plaster on the front of grocery aisle rags. What can I say? We sell.

And indie authors are tops on the most wanted list. As soon as it came out that I recently sold my 44^th copy of The Boo Hag, they were all over me like flies to, well, anything. I was out with the fam this weekend, and I saw some dude sneaking up behind me with his camera. He tried to play off like he was taking a picture of his adorable little daughter doing adorable little daughter things. Was I fooled? No. As soon as he got within striking distance, I snapped flying kick to his aftermarket lens, and left his camera in little pieces on the ground. He was mad. That’s what you get, Mr. Paparazzo!

Consider your Monday Mailbag-ed.

A culinary mailbag. Monday style.

I forgot today was Monday. Isn’t that horrible? Okay, it’s not that bad, but I didn’t think I had anything pressing to do today, except of course keep on a-writin’ my yet-to-be-named second book, but then I said to myself, “Dave, get yourself together. Es lunes. (It’s Monday for those of you who don’t hablar espanol)” And then I went on, “Get to your mailbag, man. Get to your mailbag before the whole thing gets overrun with wonderful tidbits, and can you can never answer them all in a timely manner…” Of course I went on from there, but let’s just leave it at that, shall we? I’m runnin’ this joint, so we shall.

What is your favorite food?

Camille Somewhere, In-The-World

I have made an assumption here, and I’m hoping it doesn’t come back to bite me, as assumptions seem to have a tendency to do. You see, Camille did not tell me where she’s from, and instead of shooting her back an email like any normal person, I went all lazy and said, I’m just going to assume that Camille is an earthling. Camille, if you’re out there reading this, and I’m sure you are, I’m sorry if you are not in fact earth-bound, and I have offended your intergalactic sensibilities. And might I add, if you are in fact an alien from so far off world, what a beautifully earthy name you have?

What is my favorite food? Well, I assume (there are I go again. The assumptions are running rampant today!)—I assume you mean what isn’t my favorite food. I’m gonna answer that one. I feel that answering the assumed question is often less helpful, but at the same time more entertaining. And who wants a question answered? If someone were to give me the option to know…I don’t know, let’s say, how exactly the JFK assassination went down, or if I’d like to be entertained, I’m going with clowns and magicians. Hold off on the facts, I just want to have fun.

So, back to the question (assumed question) at hand. What is not my favorite food? Camille, I’m gonna have to go with cow tongue. I struggle to even classify this as a food, but people do indeed eat it. I did in fact. And I don’t wish to repeat the traumatic event. Any liver-haters out there? Of course there are.  Think liver, but squishier. If you ever do eat, just be happy you didn’t get the piece that was connected to the throat, where squishy meat meets tough gristle. If you did in fact get the throat piece. Good luck, my friend.

Happy eating. This is your Monday Mailbag!

Foot fetishes and mailbags

Look who’s back from vacation? Okay, don’t look too hard; I was referring to myself. And when I say vacation, well, what I mean is Memorial Day. I didn’t actually go on any vacation, I just decided that as a practitioner of the postal arts, I should make like a mailman, and take the day off from the mailbag. So, like I said, look, I’m back from my Memorial Day spent in the throes of blogger slackitude.

I’m back. I’m back and it couldn’t come at a better time. My mailbag was brimming with mail. And not just any mail, but mail with a hint of international spice. Is that pancit and pan de sal I smell? Nope, it’s just a smell of some Asian islands wafting in on the back of another bit of scintillating email. This, my dear constituents, (as if you voted for me) is your…drumroll please…just imagine a drumroll in your head…MONDAY MAILBAG!!!!

If you could name each of your fingers, what names would you give them and why?

Ellie the Philippines

That’s right the Philippines. If I hadn’t hit the big time before, well my dear sirs, and madams of course, I have now. Did you know that I was born in a little San called Diego? And that after leaving my dear San Diego birthing grounds, I left for the opposite coast to live in a grand beach of the Virginia variety? Well, I did. And I heard once that Virginia Beach and San Diego, because of the good ol’ US Navy have the highest amount of Filipinos outside of the Philippines. I may have just made that up, but you can quote me anyway, because, well, I write fiction. So, if I’m lying to you, that’s okay. (side note, see over there ß where it says that’s? Well, my good ol’ grammar checker says I should change it to say that are. Gotta love the brilliance of the Microsoft Office grammar checker-ma-jigger) It’s my job. So, point is, Filipino people are cool. And they make delicious food.

Okay, on to the question. What would I name all my fingers and why? Well, that is an interesting question if ever there was one. Unfortunately, it’s a question that will remain unanswered. Look, I’m a man of mystery. It’s the truth. But I would cease to be that man if the world knew my secret finger names. And also, it would take too long. I mean, I’ve rambled on for this long without naming a single finger. If I named all ten and told you their stories…hmm, book idea?

I will name toes for you. But not all of them. Did I say toes? I meant toe. I will name toe for you. The second toe on my left foot is named Einstein. Someone once told me that if your second toe is longer than your big toe, which mine is, then you’re smart. Is that awesome or what? So, I’m naming my second big toe in honor of a good friend of mine named Bill Einstein. He’s just a cool guy. You can disregard that little bit about the length of your second toe determining your IQ. I don’t know why I even threw that in there.

Well, Bill Einstein, I hope you’re reading this. This toe’s for you! And that, friends and foot fetishists alike, is your Monday Mailbag!